“I must marry by force” (Must Read) – Kemi Jinadu

Lately, the frequent bewail, sadness, heart break women encountered could be described as alarming.  It’s been an ongoing issue but within the last few years it seemed to have taken a different toll.

Firstly, I will like to state that the aim of this article won’t be to educate about marriage because am not in the position to, still in kindergarten, still learning at a very slow pace.

Marriage! The institution where one learns and never graduates.

The attitude some women exuded, and how far these women are willing to go so they could get married baffles me passionately, especially the single parent, so the emphasis would be on courtship.
I’ve heard so many horrible stories and I felt deeply concerned for the children involved. I felt passionately concerned about this subject, the attitude of “I must marry by force,” I’ve avoided this topic for so long well time to be me.

The most recent that got me word processing away, was that the man did not tell his family that the lady he married had a daughter.
Whenever his family are around the poor child was forced to duck under the bed or when he’s talking on the phone with his family he covered the poor child’s mouth.
Why should a woman expose her child to this? For what? Marriage, yes but at what cost? Happiness! Peace! At the child’s expense! Or is it because of the dangling organ between his legs? Just wondering!

Do not misunderstand me, we love, honour and respect our men.

When a man cannot inform his family about his fiancée’s status as a single parent; it says a lot about the man and his family.
Family might disallow marriage to single parent is not unusual, based on the stigma that comes with single parent like taking on responsibilities, baby papa drama, but the man’s ability to inform his family about his choice, the after one, two or three single woman he wanted to marry signifies a crucial step forward, that they would allow or not would be another issue…

Over the last few months I’ve heard different cases of single parent who goes into an unreasonable compromised marriage.
Whatever led to the status of being single with a child, be it mistake from dating, divorce, naivety, irresponsible boyfriend, abuse relationship, quickie dos I mean one-night-stand; the mistake or havoc had happened life continues, it’s important to learn and not dwell on the issue.

A man who decided to go into a single parent relationship must know and be willing to accept that the option he opted for; comes with double inextricable package no single and the man must not act like the relationship was a favour. 
It must be discussed by both parties, common quotes like “we would cross that bridge when we get there” NOT ACCEPTABLE cross the bridge now, before marriage.
Women should appreciates men WHO DO NOT WANT the double package and not force issues by trying to reach an irrational compromise or quickly get pregnant before anyone could dissuade them.

When such situation arose it provokes resentment, the man would feel conned, then hate himself for being gullible by a deceptive woman as a result the man ended up petulant with a bruised ego. 
Such relationship rarely last, he would become malicious and spiteful towards the woman and such atmosphere would not be conducive to raise kids. So why rush into it? Why bother? You’re better off alone.

Men that would only marry based on conditions such as send the child to his Dad, grandparent, Aunties, Sisters other than yourselves are RED ALERT, oh girl run!
Love is kind and unconditional, if he truly loves, he would accept that part of you; guess he decided to marry for a reason, and once he achieved his purpose the relationship would be over.   If the Dad’s place was convenient the child would be with the father and not the Mother.

Women who conformed to this condition just to get married are selfish, these are women who put themselves and desires of the flesh first without thinking of the future. The exception would sincerely be if Mum experienced hardship and the child might be better off living with Dad in a stable and loving home.  

The man willing to marry should blend into the uncompleted family and not segregate mother and child. A woman must be willing to accept his children as well, if you don’t like the idea do not marry men with children.
Women, especially single parent need to be aware, most married women are suffering in silence. Many single parent are victims of irrational conditional marriage do not be fooled some hide behind the veneer of Marc foundation, eye-shadow, powder, those make up are for show.

Women could sound so ridiculous when they slip into denial mood, once they’ve made up their mind to send the poor child away excuses such as “I let him make the decision to send the child away because the bible said the woman should be submissive to the man,” the man you’re not even married to!
Fellow women would begin to quote, abstract, adjoin, alter and adjust the scriptures and verses in the bible; that same bible did not say is mandatory to marry this insupportable man.

Factors such as low self-esteem, delusion, peer pressure, culture, stigma and stereotype can be responsible for the women’s unreasonable deed towards marriage.
Men sensed needy and low self-esteem women and some men would tailor it to their own selfish need; depending on what the needs are, it could be accommodation financial need, resident status like British, American and Canadian passport.

When a woman with a low self-esteem go into such relationship her world seem to stops and revolves around the man only; happiness, progress, prosperity for so many talented, hardworking and skilIful women have been truncated as a result. Note this article also applies to single women without child/children.

Most come out of the relationship broken, feeling so inadequate, not worthy, not good enough to be called a wife, whereas one-self was not the problem but the hasty wrong choice one made.

Some men are actor that could play the role of a man who’s hopelessly in love whilst some don’t need to pretend at all it depends on how one was value.  These acts are commonly verbal, the man might be a wolves in sheep clothing, fine useless boy or a smooth orator but action speaks louder than voice; his attitude towards one would reveal his true intention.
 
Pardon me to say most women’s distraught relationship are self-inflicted, because we reach an irrational compromise knowing fully well that we are going into the wrong relationship, most forged ahead with the intention to change the man.  One cannot change a man; the man must be willing to change.

Competition could be healthy and encouraged but not when it comes to picking a life partner, comparing one’s lifestyles and competing with a friend or sister that just got married not an excuse to marry that unendurable man.

Talks like “Wura my youngest sister just got married so come the end of the year I must marry” not acceptable.  Though one might feel a bit uncomfortable that it’s taking longer to find the right man but is worth waiting for, don’t subject the poor child or children to torture by choosing the next tom, dick and harry.

As Africans it’s expected to get married once a woman reached a certain age but as a single parent that tradition or expectation should not apply. Is natural for family members to pressurise one from time to time as one biological clock ticks but that might be the time to educate them rather than pick a man that would later give one, and family members perpetual headache.
We live in a modern world.

Nothing wrong with wanting to get married, the notion, the thought, and working towards one could be one of the best thing if achieved with the right man but if not it does not make one incomplete as a woman.

The way one feels internally played a significant role before marriage.  After the broken-relationship with the child/children’s father re you still a confident woman? Can one stand in the midst of married women and not feel any less of a woman?
Getting married would not make one feel any better if one’s esteem was already low, getting married to the wrong man would break, dehumanised and at extreme cases might sent one into a psychiatrist home if it result to divorce.

Although some issues are beyond ones control like a husband philandering, or that impregnated another woman after marriage; marriage comes with its challenges so why add to the trials by going off with the man that only wants a part of you.  

We pray and hope it does not happen but we possess the power to choose and make a choice. Who we choose and who we decided to make our life partner we and God controls, so choose wisely.

Ignore and move away from negative people such as friends and family that intentionally make your single parental status an object of ridicule; be in the company of those that genuinely loves and support you.

No marriage is perfect, marriage should be encourage but with the right person, for the right reason and the union should be enjoyed; though it comes with its own tribulations but we could minimise at least by choosing the one that truly loves and accept the package.  



By K Jinadu
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